Wayne Could Not Be Here.


This is about Wayne, who could not be here.

Who is Wayne? Wayne is a hardworking employee of a large New Zealand media organisation, who works so hard, he simply could not be there.

These are messages to Wayne from people both sad and disappointed that Wayne could not be there.

People who have left messages for Wayne range from well known New Zealand cooks like Alison Holst, to Oscar-winning actors like Denzel Washington.

Check us on the Tube: www.youtube.com/waynecouldnotbehere


Colin Mathura-Jeffree is in the house.


Kiwi babe and pop-star Zowie recorded an intimate message for Wayne. In the words of Perez Hilton, Zowie

may be little, but she packs a big punch!

Wayne apparently quite likes the music of Zowie, so here is her website: http://www.whoiszowie.com/

Mark Strong has a message for Wayne. He’s a top bloke. I’ll let Wikipedia do the background:

Strong is an English actor, with a body of work in both films and television. He has performed in films as varied as Body of Lies, Syriana, The Young Victoria, Sherlock Holmes, RocknRolla, Stardust, and Kick-Ass. He often depicts villains or antagonists, such as Lord Blackwood in Sherlock Holmes, Frank D’Amico in Kick-Ass, Sir Godfrey in Robin Hood, and Sinestro in Green Lantern.

This just in from E3 in Los Angeles: Hank Keirsey, the military advisor for the Call of Duty videogame franchise, has a message for Wayne. He tells Wayne to harden the fuck up.

The Prime Minister of New Zealand has a message for Wayne, who could not be here.


Imagine my joy when I find that Wayne’s mum has been visiting www.waynecouldnotbehere.com and checking out what various people have to say about her son never being there. I told her to tell me a little bit about Wayne, as Wayne’s actually been there for her.

This is what Wayne’s mum wrote (I’ve removed any personal information in respect to her and her privacy):

yes i have seen wayne could not be here and had a few laughs now things you want to like and dislike about wayne where do i begin i like how he brings his dirty washing and ironing all the way from *** when he comes down to *** for a holiday. love his wee red car. his witty sense of humour. the way he used to eat a 2litre ice cream in one sitting. how he used to save money and now spends it like theres no 2morrow. likes how you text or email him and dont hear from him until about a week later. likes how clean and tidy his room is now since he is away. like how we dont run out of hot water anymore dont have to turn on the hot tap in the kitchen and make his shower go cold. like his fancy suits but he still hasnt got a girlfriend. like how we walk up mount *** every time he comes down to ***. like his eyes and cheeky grin. like his collection of muntant ninja turtles that i still have stored at home. liked his taste of mince dish he used to cook here. like how he is trying to put on a few more kilos and a tan but he wont get that if he sits in a office all day. well just a short note about wayne and i agree he needs to get out of the office and get out more. so goodluck with wayne could not been here.

WHO IS WAYNE? That’s the question that keeps popping up. There’s an awful lot of confusion out there. Wayne? Lil Wayne? Who? What? So we pay a visit to Wayne’s office.

The winner of New Zealand’s Next Top Model, Danni Hayes, has something to say to Wayne. Wayne, are you even listening?

Shit just got real. Shit just got German, man. Rammstein’s guitarist RICHARD KRUSPE has this to say to Wayne, while smoking a fake German cigarette. WAYNE, WHERE ARE YOU?!!!


Steve-O has done many crazy things in his life. For example, before he gave this message to Wayne, he stapled his nutsack to his belly. 

HOLY SHIT IT’S HERBIE HANCOCK. An especially intricate message to Wayne from the jazz master himself.

Ah, the Wainwrights - there are so many of them. But this one, Martha, has a message for Wayne.